“I don’t know what I would have done this weekend if I hadn’t have spoken to you first. I would have probably had a panic attack and not spent the time with my daughter I needed to. I would like to continue with support as I go through the family court for access.”

Joe met Heidi through a mutual friend. Their relationship developed quickly and they bonded over shared interests. Heidi was chatty, friendly and seemed happy to listen. Early on, Heidi confessed that she couldn’t have children, although she would like to become a parent one day. Joe was happy as he wasn’t ready to become a father. Although they never intended to, Joe and Heidi developed strong feelings for one another.

Joe had previously been in a physically abusive relationship which had crippled his self-esteem. He blamed himself for the relationship ending and found it difficult to open up emotionally for fear of getting hurt. He had been struggling for a while with his mental health, suicidal thoughts and a long-term health condition.

Despite having doubts about Heidi’s apparent lack of empathy and drive, Joe continued with their relationship and Heidi soon fell pregnant. Joe went into shock and felt emotions he couldn’t control. He fell into depression and his self-harm and suicidal thoughts returned. He sought help from a mental health service and was referred for counselling.
After the initial shock, Heidi was excited and happy about the news. She showed no empathy or consideration for Joe’s mental health and gave him an ultimatum – she would either move in with him or leave and he would never see their child. She left Joe no option but to try and be the partner and father she demanded.

It was at this point that Joe began to have further doubts about Heidi. He suspected she had lied about her ability to fall pregnant and realised she was spreading lies about him to friends and family. The situation got worse when their daughter was born. Nothing he did was good enough and she blamed him for anything and everything. The arguments and disagreements got more frequent and Joe found himself agreeing with whatever Heidi wanted to keep the peace. Heidi bullied Joe into staying at home instead of seeing his friends.

Heidi’s mood swings got worse and eventually, she stopped showing any affection towards Joe. He suggested they try couples counselling but she refused. She also complained to friends and family about how terrible Joe was as a father and partner.

Joe continued with several months of counselling to help him come to terms with fatherhood and explore his relationship with Heidi – someone he loved and hoped to raise a child with, but was very difficult and demanding to live with.

Heidi eventually ended the relationship and moved in with her parents. She continued to lie to their friends, painting him as the villain and herself as the victim. Thanks to his counselling, Joe was able to make peace with her leaving and realised he would be happier without her hurtful abuse and bullying.

After she left, the constant criticism and questioning of his parenting ability continued. Heidi began to deny Joe access to his daughter unless he let her control the visits and record all their interactions. Joe lived in constant fear that Heidi would take his daughter away.
Struggling with anxiety and depression, Joe asked for medical help. A nurse identified the signs of domestic abuse and put him in touch with Fortalice. Joe didn’t recognise Heidi’s manipulation, lying and controlling as abusive because it wasn’t physical abuse like his last relationship.

With his support worker’s help, Joe has appointed a solicitor and is in the process of arranging legal visitation with his daughter. He has committed to continue with counselling to work on his low self-esteem and self-worth that contributed to him not identifying the domestic abuse he suffered. Joe is now looking ahead to building a relationship with his daughter and achieving peace and happiness in his life.