I associated a refuge with women who had been beaten up. But now I know you can be beaten up inside as well.

Elsie thought her family life was normal. With four adult children she was married to her husband for over twenty years before she started recognising signs that things weren’t quite right.

He had always been controlling and made me feel small, but I didn’t recognise that as domestic abuse, I’d certainly never heard of coercive control, that wouldn’t have meant anything to me. I absolutely thought that you had to be hit to be in an abusive relationship.

It was after her partner had a health scare that things started to really worry her.

When he returned from hospital he began to behave differently, he was always a drinker but it became much worse. He would go out on a weekend and not come home for hours and hours. When he did he was viscous and mean. He would shout and rant and scare me.

The drinking steadily became more problematic. Her partner was arrested for drink driving but it made no difference, in fact he began to drink daily and to excess. Behaviour at home deteriorated and became more erratic and controlling. Elsie became more isolated from her family and friends and steadily lost her confidence.

He was vile to me all the time. He would get right in my face and say that my mum and dad must be disgusted by me. He said I was a terrible mother. I lost all my faith in my skills. He belittled me constantly. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I felt totally worthless.

Elsie went to the Doctors and shared some of her home experiences. The Doctor realised that she was experiencing domestic abuse and referred her to Fortalice under the IRIS programme. The IRIS worker very quickly identified that Elsie was in a dangerous relationship and began to tell her more about coercive control. As Elsie shared more about her home life, she suggested that should a place become available that it might be a good idea for her to move into the refuge.
Elsie’s home life didn’t improve but leaving was so difficult. She felt that since her partner wasn’t physically violent that her experiences weren’t as valid. She’d lived in the same home for over 20 years and found it hard to make the break.

I struggled to comprehend what was, and had been, happening to me. I kept thinking that I didn’t deserve a refuge place as I hadn’t been beaten up. I took a colleague to a refuge many years ago, her partner beat her constantly and her face was all messed up. Whilst I didn’t feel safe, that wasn’t my experience, I didn’t want to take the place of someone I thought deserved it more.

Eventually Elsie came to refuge. She is now in the process of divorcing her husband and moving her life forward. Since being in refuge she has had more counselling and attended sessions to understand coercive control.